Better Self-Talk for Erectile Dysfunction

Why Does Changing Self-Talk Help with ED? 

If you're like most guys, when you talk to yourself really harshly or negatively, your body reacts like it would if someone else was saying that stuff to you.  You tense up, you get anxious and your nervous system might go into that sympathetic fight-or-flight mode. When that happens, you lose your erection.

What the self-talk experts say

But don't just take it from me. Jim Loehr, a performance psychologist who's coached everyone from Olympic gold medalists to Fortune 100 executives says: 

"I came to understand that the ultimate coach for all of us in life is that private voice.  And that private voice can be brutal, it can be a detriment to being the best you can be. The brain listens to everything you say"

Loehr would have his athletes wear microphones and articulate everything they said to themselves while competing at an event.  Then in playback, he'd pay particularly close attention to what they said to themselves if they made a mistake or lost.  What he found was that bad self-talk led to bad performance.  

Self-esteem psychologist Nathaniel Branden always said that any time someone is fundamentally against themselves just watch the downstream symptoms arise.  He'd see people with all kinds of different issues - addictions, anxiety, depression - and Branden found that most of the time,  if he could help those people get on their own side, those symptoms would disappear on their own.

Three-legged race

Have you ever heard of a three-legged race?  Like they used to have at county fairs or they had on special "field days" at school when I was a kid?  You'd take two people and tie the left ankle of one guy to the right ankle of another guy then they'd try to run a race that way.  Think of what it would be like to try to run in one of those races if your partner was just yelling at you and trying to punch you.  Probably not much fun.  And you probably wouldn't get very far.  In terms of the way some guys treat themselves when it comes to sex, that's kind of what they're doing.

And it's not just in sports or general psychology.  Mojo, the app for guys dealing with psychological ED devotes a whole section to helping guys deal with what they call their 'Inner Critic.'

So if the first link in the ED chain is the internal dialog, great.  What can you do to change it?

Method 1: The Analytical Approach

This method relies on straight repetition and reprogramming. It works very well for guys who lean toward the analytical side.

Step 1: Awareness. Write down the specific negative things you say to yourself when you lose an erection or feel anxious. You must actually write them down.

Step 2: Make a New Script. Write out by hand what you would want to hear from a great coach—someone who is 100% on your side when you're struggling.

Step 3: Repetition. Practice this new script every chance you get. Hold yourself accountable for internalizing it. you're setting up an entirely new neural pathway. The more you use it, the more automatic it becomes.

Method 2: The Inner Coach

This approach sets up a second, competing voice in your head to handle the inner critic.

Step 1: Listen. Let your inner critic go off on you the way it usually does when your performance takes a hit.

Step 2: Create Your Coach. Imagine a second voice. This is your inner coach. This voice is supportive, strong, and entirely dedicated to giving you confidence.

Step 3: Respond. When you hear your inner critic speak up, imagine what your inner coach would say to cut the critic down. The response can be highly positive, witty and funny, or it can simply shoot the critic down with cold, hard logic. Practice calling on this inner coach until it becomes an automatic reflex.

Method 3: The Inner Voice Meditation

The part of your brain driving this harsh internal dialogue actually has a positive intention. It is usually an old mental program trying to protect you or force you to perform better. You can update this old software without fighting it.

Get comfortable, close your eyes, and tune into your body. Notice the tiny bits of tension on your inhalations and the relaxation on your exhalations.

1. Listen to the Voice: Hear something your inner critic would typically say to you. Notice how your body responds. Do you feel tension? An accelerated heartbeat? A dropping feeling in your stomach?

2. Ask a Question: Ask the voice, "What positive intention do you have in talking to me that way?" Wait for the answer. Get a sense of what it is trying to accomplish. It is likely trying to help you perform better. Thank it for trying to help.

3. Show It the Results: Ask the voice, "Do you think your strategy is actually working?" Imagine showing the voice the actual physical effects of its harsh tone. Show it how you feel. Show it the direct, negative effect it has on your erection. Keep showing it until the voice understands that its current method is failing.

4. Offer New Tools: Ask the voice if it would like new tools to do its job better. Think about what you would want to hear from a highly skilled, caring coach. What kind of tone would they use? Notice how your body relaxes when you hear this supportive messaging. Ask your inner voice to try using these new tools for a few days to see how your body responds.

Changing the negative self-talk that drives ED removes the invisible brake on your arousal, and you can find my full library of supporting somatic resets and physical tools on my main psychological erectile dysfunction treatments page.