How to Deal With Performance Anxiety in the Bedroom

Sexual performance anxiety treatment: MUST-erbation

In a lot of my content here I talk about sexual performance anxiety as being driven by deeper issues and it being really good to work with a therapist. But it's not always that way.  In this article, I'd like to talk about one way I see guys do ED that can be pretty straightforward to solve. Today we're going to talk about MUSTerbation.  Not MASTurbation.  MUSTerbation.

What's Musterbation?

Quick bit of psychology history. Albert Ellis is the father of rational emotive behavior therapy. He practiced for decades in New York City (in the process he helped a to of guys learn how to deal with performance anxiety in the bedroom). He's the one who coined the term MUSTERbation.  There's some great video of him doing client sessions on YouTube.  It's fun to watch - very 1960s 'Madmen' vibe - it's all cigarettes and beehive hairdos and groovy clothes.  But anyway, he noticed his anxiety clients shared a pattern:  they'd tell themselves that they MUST do X or X MUST happen.  And it could be about anything. 

• I MUST not be seen as a fool.
• I MUST get a good grade on the test.
• I MUST be liked by everyone.
• I MUST not disappoint anyone.
• I MUST make X amount of money.

 And when people imposed these rigid expectations on themselves, they'd feel that performance anxiety - their bodies would tense up.  They'd provoke a response in themselves that looked like fear. But it wasn't really fear.  It was basically the body's reaction to the pressure of the rigid thinking they were doing.  Ellis coined the term MUSTerbation to describe that process.  

Any time someone's telling themselves X MUST happen, X NEEDS to HAPPEN, I couldn't STAND IT if X doesn't happen....? Ellis would say they're musterbating.

Why pressure makes erections less reliable

So my question for you: have you been musterbating?

Somewhere in the back of your mind, have you made a rule for yourself that says 

I MUST get hard

I NEED to get hard

I can't STAND IT if I'm not hard

For some guys, that's the problem right there.  They make this rigid rule for themselves.  Then the downstream effect of having made the rule is some combination of anxiety, pressuring themselves to get hard or desperately trying to FIGURE OUT how to get hard.  Bye bye erection.

I've seen this exact pattern with a lot of guys I've worked with.  It -can- be driven by trauma or deeper psychological issues, but for a lot of guys, it's not.  It's just that at some point - innocently (guys don't do this because they're stupid or evil)  they made that rule for themselves. Maybe it was just ego, maybe was cultural influence.  Maybe it was conscious, maybe it was totally unconscious.   But pretty much any time someone makes a  rule for themselves that says X (thing that's out of a person's control) MUST be the way they want it...just watch That nervous system fight-or-flight response kick in. that systems job is to divert blood away from the digestive in reproductive organs and out into the arms and legs so that you can run or fight. Goodbye, erection.  

Is sexual performance anxiety treatable?

Yes! Sexual performance anxiety is treatable. By changing your thinking.

The way I think of it, it's about relaxing that MUSTerbation grip a little bit.  Not totally letting go.  Not lying to yourself and telling yourself you don't care whether or not you're hard.  As Ellis would say, it's about relaxing those DEMANDS just enough so they become PREFERENCES.  

So...

• I MUST get hard

becomes...

• I'd PREFER to get hard
• I'd LIKE to get hard
• I'll be happier and have more fun if I get hard.  
• So I'd really LIKE to get hard.

But since there's no law in the universe that says I have to be.  

And since I can't control it.

• I'm WILLING TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE of not being hard if those are the cards my body deals me.
• I'm WILLING TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE of whatever happens when I get together with my partner.

If you can just make that little mental shift into preference - and actually mean it - your body will probably respond really differently.  You'll probably get the sense of having more freedom, more space opening up.  At that body level, the pressure's off.  And all that bandwidth you'd used for the MUSTerbation opens up for other things...like your partner!

Again it's not a magic bullet and working at this level isn't the right thing for a lot of guys.  But for some making this simple mental shift and practicing with it can make a huge difference.

So if this feels like it might be a fit for you, here's what you can do with it.

How to Deal With Performance Anxiety in the Bedroom: Exercise

Write out your MUSTabatory demands.  It might just be I MUST get hard, but there can be other stuff, too...

• I MUST please her
• I MUST be the best lover he's ever had
• She MUST NOT tell her friends I couldn't perform

Than take one of your phrases and say it to yourself. 

• " I MUST get hard "

Notice how it feels in your body.  Rate the intensity of the feeling on a 1-10 scale.

Then try increasing the pressure.  If you tell yourself the same thing even more forcefully, does the number go up?  Write it down.

OK.  Then take a breath or two.  Think about baseball or Star Trek or whatever.

Now let's convert that DEMAND into a preference.  Write out:

• I'd PREFER to get hard or 
• I'd LIKE to get hard

Then give it a number on that 1-10 scale.  Hopefully it will be a little lower.  Either way, then riff on it a little bit...see if you can get used to it....

• I'd PREFER to get hard
• I'd LIKE to get hard
• I'll be happier and have more fun if I get hard.  
• So I'd really LIKE to get hard.

But since there's no law in the universe that says I have to be.  

And since I can't control it.

• I'm WILLING TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE of not being hard if those are the cards my body deals me.
• I'm WILLING TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE of whatever happens when I get together with my partner.
• I'm WILLING TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE of whatever happens when I do the best I can.

Then notice how that feels in your body.  Again, rate the feeling on that 1-10 scale. Ideally, it'll be a little lower.

If you're getting a little movement on those numbers, this sexual performance anxiety treatment might help you. You may find that if you repeat for a few days, you get better at it.  Your body can relax a little more. 

And the more your body realizes it's safe to relax, the easier it gets to relax that grip a little more.  And it can be a nice easy way to glide out of the problem ->For some guys<-  it's really nice to find that it's actually a lot less work, a lot easier to not have that problem they'd had anymore.  Just by finding you can let that grip you'd been having relax a little bit.  Into a preference.  More like something you'd like.

REFERENCES

• The Albert Ellis Institute

• Musterbation


Overcoming the analytical observer mindset is just one piece of the puzzle; I've put together a full library of actionable, real-time guides to help you get out of your head and back into your body on my resource page for psychological erectile dysfunction treatments.